Have you ever gotten up and thought that your day was going to be so productive and fun, like nothing could break your vibe? I’m sure we have all had those days but one particular day was a game changer for me. I had been feeling very emotional for quite some time but I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I could tell you that I had a lot on my mind as I always do my thought process is never ending even when I want it to slow down. I don’t really have that type of luxury go figure.
Words unspoken, are the one’s that weigh’s the heaviest on one’s heart.
That day I woke up just like that, I remember thinking this is going to be a good day and I was in such high spirits. Just my luck it was anything but, I learned that I suffer from bipolar disorder. My world came crashing down, I mean I had heard of it but I never thought that I would have it. I wasn’t judging anyone or nothing I was just in complete awe, like really me? I didn’t really go through a realization phase it was kind of diving in head first asking how do we fix this. Truth is there is no remedy for it unless you take medication in which I opted out on. I’m not a medication taker and I barely like to take medication when I am sick. Cough drops and tea does my body just fine. Looking back on it now the signs were always there for me to see but I was always so wrapped up in helping and caring for others that I simply ignored me and my needs.
What is Bipolar Disorder?
Unusually shifts in mood, energy, and activity levels.
Lets me explain. Phases also called episodes, mood swings in which range from depressive lows to manic high’s. Mania episodes could include symptoms like high energy (bouncing off the walls not literally but close), insomnia, and loss of touch with reality. Depressive episodes could include symptoms along the lines of low energy, low motivation, and loss of interest in everyday activities. Mood episodes can last days or months at a time and mainly.
It’s nothing bad, but some people would think that this is something scary and it’s not. This can be managed if you are willing to take the time to understand yourself. In my case my mania’s are more current than my depressive state because I am constantly active. Everyone with bipolar is different, they are people just like you and I. This is a touchy subject for a lot of people but not discussing this is taking the cowards way out.
It took me a little to truly understand myself and I am still learning, I am not perfect. The greatest accomplishment for me would be to have the courage to tell my story and help other people like me or people that may have loved ones be better. Getting to know myself as a person took some time for me because I do have a tendency to be indecisive and that is no ones friend. I had a little trouble weening out the things that I like to do with the things that help me focus and enjoy. The things you find comfort in can be the smallest thing but just enough. Would you believe that I love crafts and being a creator. Photography and plants have also placed a stamp on my heart. That was the moment I started my real journey and managing my bipolar.
Each day is better than the next, you just have to breathe.
What is Mania?
Mostly described as a mood or energy level that is elevated above normal, but not so extreme to causes impairment. When I get my mania moments that’s when I get my best ideas I am my best creative self. I get so much done because it’s like my motivation just goes through the roof. I feel so energetic and it just seems as though my list of things to do grows with each waking moment. The downside to mania would be that it feels as though your mind is going like 80 mph and you cant stop it. My husband says that sometimes in my mania state I ramble like ongoing and it normally makes sense when you are listening. If you miss anything then you may never get the answers that you are looking for. Although to me when I am doing something or I write something while in my mania state somehow comes out so meaningful and passionate. Sometimes I surprise myself because it’s like how did I get my brain to slow down just enough to write an entire blog.
Sometimes I tend to forget things too because I have so much on my mind it’s like I had been sleep for a period of time and I just have so much to say, so much to do, so little time. My husband likes to refer to me as the white rabbit and I never understood why until I was diagnosed. I started to see things for what they were and suddenly things that didn’t make sense started too. He calls me the white rabbit because of my inability to sit still, I am always on the move. Sometimes I dance to get rid of excess energy. I have multiple positive outlets because even energy is sometimes overbearing and no one wants any negative energy floating around. When people say I wish I had your energy, I say trust me you don’t want this type of energy lol. My energy is nothing bad but it is a little to much to handle at times. Imagine sitting on a couch and all of the sudden you feel a burst of energy and it makes you want to get up and move. Sitting still makes you fidgety so you can either control it or get up and get moving. Even with that happening you still have a positive outcome for both.
Each of us have at some point had to deal with depression whether it be a friend, family member, or yourself. When you have bipolar and depression the most random memory, thought, movie basically anything can send you on that sad cruise. Sometimes you may be able to avoid his royal sadness but sometimes she gets you. When I get in my depressive state sometimes I cry and then sometimes it strictly consist of me strolling through the house in my pj’s at 2 p.m on a saturday and a side of coffee trying to be normal.
Coming to Terms
I have come to terms with the fact that I have bipolar and that I am no where near being normal but instead I have this unique sense of creativity about me. Rather than thinking of this as something bad an non beneficial I see it as an opportunity. It’s almost like an algorithium if you want to call it that. When I am manic that is the best time to work work work and then fun. I don’t have the luxury that other have I am on a designated schedule that my body has chosen for me. Slowly but surely I am getting myself together and learning to be more productive on my good days.
Hate is a strong word
I am not the type of person who generally uses hate an awful lot but I do get a little discouraged with having this. I dislike my inability to make friends, trust people, paranoia, crying, and that how sometimes I cant control when I get my lows. I am still me but with a couple of flaws, we all have them. The key here is to understand yourself and then you will be better able to understand your illness.
Not all of this is bad I would say that within my marriage I have come a long way from then when I first found out until now. I’m not really sure how my husband makes it through my lows but I do really appreciate him beyond the moon and the stars. Sometimes when you get into a relationship and you suffer from bipolar it can have either a negative or positive effect. It all depends on how you want to go about it. I would say that my mania moments are his favorite he says I am such a social butterfly. Within that time frame it’s smooth sailing for whatever time frame, but he has also learned how to keep me grounded during my bad spells.
My bad spells are more along the lines of a normal meltdown but 3x worse. Sometimes it makes me want to lay around but I never get stuck in the bed. We don’t feel like normal people feel, believe it or not some people feel deeper than others in which makes us react differently. Have you ever heard the term of “It’s not the serious.” It really is and it is not like I can hide it I have been told since I was little that I wear my emotions. People sometimes ask me how is being married and suffering from something like bipolar disorder . It is a roller coaster for sure people always tend to want to be around for the good but never for the bad and that’s when you need them the most. If you can find someone that is there for both sides that you got yourself a keeper. I’m not saying marry the first guy/girl you meet that seem like they can keep their s*** together. Although this may be true I can say that I have never been divorced. I am not saying that I didn’t want to go sometimes because it just seemed so much easier but I didn’t because I knew that he loves me. Sticking through the mud with someone in their time of need speaks volumes. I mean who sticks around when they aren’t even sure which wife will be waking up beside them. He says that doesn’t really matter and between me and you I think he loves the variety. Weird right to each it’s own, you can’t help who you fall in love with but all that matters is that they love you back. If you are able to balance everything out and find a common ground then you will be okay. Compromise is the key to marriage but in this case it may take a little more. Working together, finding a common ground, and keeping others out of your relationship help’s as well.
You can raise children if you have bipolar it does not make you any less of a person or mom. Don’t ever let anyone else tell you an different. This mental illness does not cripple you it makes you stronger and able to endure more. If anything it teaches you your limits and what you are able to tolerate. I have not always had best run with the patience train. My kids do cut me a break because they understand what I an going through. I don’t lie to my kids because I want them to understand and to treat other people like they would like to be treated. Sometimes it is a task for me because like all parents I get overwhelmed by when I get like this I have my crying episodes. I try to keep my episodes from my kids but even that was hard, now I just go into a room by myself because I don’t want to upset them. They know but why subject them to mama’s bad day you know. So the hideaway seems to be working for me and right now that is the best thing that I can think of.
I have had people that I have to love from afar because they do trigger my episodes sometimes which only means that they are toxic. I am okay with keeping people at a distance if it means that I can have my peace. Is it something that I wanted to do of course not but I do believe that toxicity is misery’s sister and I simply can’t have it.
Leave of abscence
I am sharing this story because I want others with a mental illness such as bipolar to understand that it does not make you a bad person. A lot of people tend to question why I come and go in and out of peoples lives. This is not something that I am proud of but my mental illness makes me that way as if being alone is much more better for me. In most cases you have to do what is best for you as well as your family and if that mean interaction then you better grab this by the horns. Do not feel discouraged there are a lot of unkind people in this world but it is up to you to stand up, stay passionate and teach them about mental illness. In the beginning I used to be ashamed to even utter the words bipolar disorder and now I make jokes about it that’s how comfortable I am with my illness.